


The Ninth Step

by tawnyPort



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 20:06:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tawnyPort/pseuds/tawnyPort
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope the ending is hopeful enough for you even if it's not strictly happy. Happy Ladystuck!!</p></blockquote>





	The Ninth Step

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MistCover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistCover/gifts).



You aren’t entirely sure what to expect when you show up but somehow for almost nothing to have changed isn’t it. The plants seem healthier, if nothing else; the spider plant in the corner is cascading greenly toward the floor now instead of dropping brown tendrils everywhere, and the _Stromanthe sanguinea_ is vibrant and beautiful on the low table in the middle of the living room. Somehow you thought she’d try to strike every part of your presence from the apartment but the blanket you knitted her for your second anniversary is bundled in one corner of the couch, looking for all the world like she’d just come out from under it when you’d knocked.

She didn’t express any particular preference for where you should sit so you take the middle of the couch, reaching out just a little with your hand to touch the blanket. It’s cold. Perhaps you were wrong, then. Perhaps the plants are not the only things thriving since Kanaya kicked you out.

Kanaya re-enters the living room, pauses for a second to take note of where you’re sitting, presses her immaculately lined lips together, then takes to the ornate armchair you picked out together rather than joining you. It stings but you came here prepared for all these little wounds to happen. That was the entire point, really, no matter how difficult it is.

“I can move if you’d prefer,” you offer, but she shakes her head.

“Oh, no, I would hate to inconvenience you.” She’s sitting far too straight, the lines of her body so much more rigid than you’d hoped. Of course you knew any idea you had of her welcoming you back with open arms was your own fantasy and reality would be very different, but each passing minute just drives home the fact that you did considerable harm here. Whether you can remember it or not doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it certainly doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter.

It does mean, however, that you’re not completely sure where to start.

“Kanaya, I--”

“Roxy called. She told me you would be coming. If that helps at all.” She turns her hands over in her lap, palms up, a gesture of uncertainty and offering. It doesn’t help, really. You asked Roxy not to interfere and she’d agreed but apparently your sister couldn’t help herself on this count. She of all people should have known how important it was that you do this by yourself.

You sigh. It’s not Kanaya’s fault that Roxy meddled. Kanaya probably appreciated the warning given her own skill as inserting herself in situations that didn’t pertain directly to her. “At least I can cut away the pretense of a casual visit. That is, depending on what she told you.”

Kanaya shrugs. It might just be your perception but her shoulders seem that much softer after. “That you would be coming by soon. That your intentions were good. That you would not ask to stay so I should let you in.”

“Yes, that sounds about right.” You lean back against the couch and make a mental note to put a run in Roxy’s favorite pair of stockings. It’s a vain, petty revenge, but it’ll make you feel better. “It’s all true, also. There are just some things I need to say and I hope you’ll do me the privilege of listeni--”

The building shriek of the kettle cuts you off but, to your relief and faint comfort, Kanaya’s face is apologetic as she rises. She exits and returns quickly, carrying the tea service Jade sent you from Uzbekistan. You wonder if you’d have recognized it as easily, if your mind would have brought up its precise origin like that, if you had still been able to lay eyes on it every day for the last six months. You can’t say for sure. You do know the facts would have eluded you utterly had you kept drinking.

She sets the tray down on the table between you and sits again. “That was pretty much the worst possible timing for that. Anyway. I am willing to listen. Roxy said it would be good for you if I did, but,” she continues with a little more emphasis, probably in response to the sharp breath you took when your sister’s name came up again, “I am also interested in hearing what you have to say for myself. I am glad you’ve come to talk to me, Rose.”

It’s the first time you’ve heard her use your name in person in far, far too long, and your heart rises in your chest. You can’t help but smile, though it doesn’t go very far when Kanaya doesn’t immediately return the expression. That’s not unexpected, though. Keeping your hopes in check and relying on your natural cynicism is really the only way you’re going to get through this without fleeing or falling to your knees.

“I would say I am too but… No. No, I am too.” You lean forward and pick up your tea cup after Kanaya serves you both. “I don’t know just how much Roxy told you about the deeper reason for my wanting to see you today, but I have to admit, it’s an incredibly selfish one. It’s focused entirely on my own wants, my own needs, and my own recovery. So basically as a person I can’t say I’ve grown at all during this process and may in fact have regressed to a childlike state where all that matters are my own thoughts and feelings and demands.” You pause and watch her face for a moment, but aside from a slight widening of her eyes, Kanaya reveals little in reaction to your words. “The upside of that is that it gives me a chance to start over. A child may believe that all that matters are her own whims, that she is the be all and end all of her own world, but in reality she is powerless. I am powerless. It hasn’t been easy for me to accept that, as you might imagine.”

The tilt of Kanaya’s head and subtle lift of her eyebrows is all the encouragement you were looking for to continue. “In some ways I will always be powerless, but there are things that are within my control. I cannot, for example, change the past. Even if I could, I’m not sure I would, but I can’t. What I can do, however, is work in the now for the future. That’s why I’m here, Kanaya. I’ve reached a point in my recovery where I have to start dealing with the fact that I was not a pinpoint strike, I was a sustained shower of cluster bombs. As much as I thought I was only hurting myself, I wasn’t. So now, in order to continue to fix myself, I need to fix things with others.”

Kanaya lowers her tea cup to the saucer in her lap, then sets them both on the table in front of her. Your own is growing cooler by the second sitting neglected beside you on the couch. It was just a pretense anyway. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

“I’m sorry, Kanaya.” That’s the plainest way you can put it. You can hear the sadness in your own voice but also the earnestness. You’d said it before a million times but you’d meant it, ironically, in a child’s way. You were precisely as sorry as it took to get forgiven. Not anymore. The regret weighs down your bones but you know it’s not up to Kanaya or anyone else to make you lighter. “I’m sorry for the ways I’ve hurt you. I can’t begin to imagine what they all were. I was too blind to see them when I was doing them and I don’t expect you to open up and let me see them now. I’m sorry for the way I know I’ve lost your trust. I’m sorry for the person I became when I was drinking, and I am so very sorry for how well you got to know her.”

“She was you, Rose. All you were doing was showing me another side of yourself.” All the stiffness rushes back into her posture and she collects her cup and saucer again, holding them in front of her like a barrier. You shake your head slowly.

“I know. I didn’t mean to make it sound like it was some other mythical Rose that missed anniversaries and birthdays and was too drunk to fly with you to your mother’s for Christmas. That was me. I’m the one that did those things and I am the only one who can do anything to make it right. _That_ is why I’m here. More than to apologize and more than to hope for your forgiveness, though both of those things matter. More than words from anyone else, words from an addict are worthless. I can say whatever I want but what makes all the difference are the things I do. So I am here to try to begin to make things right between us, Kanaya.” You promised yourself you wouldn’t cry. You even eschewed the waterproof mascara in an effort to force yourself to stay strong. Turns out that was as insubstantial a commitment as any other could be. You wipe at your eyes as carefully as possible and try to will Kanaya to speak.

“What do you think that will take, Rose?” There’s not much of the kindness left that she spoke with the last time she said your name. You draw a deep breath to calm yourself.

“I don’t know. That’s entirely up to you. I do know I’ll do whatever is within my limited power to make things right, but I can’t be the one who dictates those terms. I can only make things right with myself on my terms. If you want me to go to in-patient treatment, I’ll do that. If you want me to submit to breathalyzers, I’ll do that. If you… If you want me to go and stay gone, if there is no way to repair what’s been done, then I’ll do that also.” _But please don’t ask that of me. Don’t make me go._ You want to say those things but you don’t. This is not the time for you to ask anything of her.

“I don’t think I want any of those things. I don’t want anything that might compromise your recovery in particular,” she replies softly, chewing her lip just a little. She’s going to get lipstick on her teeth and kick herself for that later, you know it. “Especially not the last one. I’m not ready for you to come back here but I don’t see any reason to close that door completely. I want you to come back, Rose. That’s all I ever wanted. That’s why I asked you to leave in the first place. It was the only way I could think of to make you see how far you were already gone.”

“It certainly worked. I wouldn’t have gotten sober without that.” Being forced to drag yourself to Roxy’s door had been rock bottom for you. It wasn’t that you didn’t love your sister but she’d already walked this road and she wasn’t about to let you just dry up and go back out to wreck more lives. Getting into a program was one of the conditions of continuing to live with her, and as grateful as you were to Kanaya for providing the catalyst, you were grateful to Roxy as well for forcing you to see the reaction through, for keeping the fire going under the crucible until you came out changed.

“That being said,” she says, and without much warning she sets her tea down again and stands, “this is a lot to process on such short notice. I hope you weren’t expecting a list of demands today because I don’t have one and I. I can’t make one with you here.” 

You look up at her for a long moment before relocating your tea to the table. You never even touched it. Slowly, you also stand. “Of course not. I simply wanted to…” You don’t really know how to put it. Put her on notice? Make her aware? That all sounds too clinical. “I just wanted to see you. And talk to you. Thank you for letting me do that.”

Kanaya makes her way toward the door. “I’m sorry I can’t give you more than this right now but this is a lot to process and I realize this is not me at my most hospitable but to be honest I was prepared for something else entirely and to suddenly be put in a position of so much power over your future. over _our_ future--”

You catch her wrist as she starts to open the door. “Kanaya. You didn’t even have to let me in, and you certainly didn’t have to entertain me or my notions of reconciliation.”

“Well, I could hardly turn Roxy down,” she quips back, twisting her wrist under your hand but not forcing you to remove it. “You aren’t the only one she’s been supporting, after all.”

“Oh, of course. This is purely for Roxy’s benefit. She wanted me out of the house for a little while anyway.” You give her wrist a squeeze then turn to gather your coat from the rack. Everything seems like it’s happening in fast forward but then again, she’d agreed. That was more than enough to shake your perception of time.

Kanaya steps in as you’re doing up your coat, fastening the top two buttons for you then, after a moment, darting in and kissing your cheek. It’s almost near enough to be the corner of your mouth, almost, but not quite, and you know better than to turn your head. If she wanted to kiss you just now, she would have.

She draws back again, holding the door open. “I really am glad you came by, Rose, and I hope you’ll do it again. Soon.”

You can’t help but beam at her. You think you could fairly well float down the stairs but not quite yet. “I’ll come back as often as you’ll have me. And perhaps a little more, eventually.”

“Eventually. Take care of yourself, Rose.” Kanaya steps back a little to give you room to pass into the hallway and you do, pausing as she’s closing the door.

“You too, Kanaya.”

“I’m trying,” she replies with a small, wry smile. You know you're not imagining the way she's lingering at the door.

“Me too.”

“I know.” With that she's gone. One door gently closes, yes, but you can't help but feel that every other door in the world just opened.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the ending is hopeful enough for you even if it's not strictly happy. Happy Ladystuck!!


End file.
